And I am afraid / Childbirth / Motherhood. Novokuznetsk.

From the childhood me prepared for that once and I will become mum. Parents tried to put in pawn in me all that light, kind and reasonable, that would allow me to bring up the future child the present Person. Absorbing in myself histories of the grandmother, mum, the aunt, elder sister, I was, as then it seemed to me, is morally ready to the mission, as suddenly …

It is necessary to admit, on a life I not the coward and never it was, but news about pregnancy повергла me, to put it mildly, in easy catalepsy. Convulsively trying to collect will in a fist (and thoughts - in a heap), I was locked for the whole days in the room where was going to "consider" an event. Do not think anything such: I was madly happy, and the child - is conceived in love, but as it has appeared, psychologically I have appeared is absolutely not ready to that my life for ever and in a root will change. You will laugh, but I began to be afraid even of the minor changes which drew to itself in imagination so colourfully as if they already occurred. Now, after the lapse of time, many of them seem to me the uttermost nonsense but to realise it, it was necessary to pass a long way. To make it it was uneasy, and alone, appear, it is practically impossible, but the help as it often happens, has come with perfect an unexpected side. Thanks to councils of the psychologist, books and conversations with native and friends, I step by step, day after day, month after a month got rid of fears tormenting me, and now I know for certain it is real.

I know, having read heading hardly above, you have ironically smiled. Still: I too always so arrived, when heard from lips of girl-friends: "I will never give birth, because I am afraid to spoil a figure!" Similar statements seemed to me idiocy top - exactly until, as I забеременнела.

I never was "doughnut" - the nature has awarded with long feet, a flat stomach and a beautiful breast, therefore and to any diets never resorted. But here with me there was a present panic, and I, being already on the fourth month, the beginnings отчаяно to try "to keep a figure", continually refusing to itself in something. However it not спаласало, the stomach, not stopping, increased, and the moral condition - worsened. During any moment I in general was ready to refuse food completely. From a fatal flaw I was rescued by mum.

Certainly, its words that I simply kill the child, have worked on me seriously enough. But "food plans" which it daily for me made became even more important help from its party original. Having some experience in dietology, she has included in mine a diet all necessary for health (mine and the child), but thus did not allow me to overeat or "кусочничать", continually dragging from sweet kitchen.

As a result, during pregnancy I have recovered all on eleven kg, which lion's share as you understand, occupied a fruit and waters. That is why after sorts I have come to the form literally for a month, not exhausting myself diets and physical упражениями, and simply adhering to elementary rules of a food.

I think, in struggle for a rank of "the Most important fear of pregnant women" fear of a pain goes side by side with fear to recover, and it is not known still who from them will win. As soon as the prospect of sorts became quite real, the fear wave has covered me with a head. Stories of girlfriends that it - "the finest, that can occur to the woman" that is why it is impossible and to think of such "trifles", frightened even more strongly.

The help has come unexpectedly: once again glancing over favourite magazine, has found the address of the centre spending special треннинги for pregnant women on overcoming of fear before sorts. The idea of employment is very simple, and it have formulated scientific still in the twenties last century: the emotional condition of the woman influences intensity from which she feels a pain.

Differently, methodically adjusting myself that to me will not be sick, I and have not noticed, how have once got rid of this oppressive fear. And during sorts it was not valid me painfully. Unless absolutely slightly.

As we did not communicate with the father of my future child any more though have left in friendly relations, I have started itself to wind: the woman with the child is necessary to nobody, that is why I will be always lonely. Has wound to such degree that could not communicate already adequately with representatives of an opposite sex and in reply to any questions on the child grew furious and snapped. So occurred until the acquaintance-psychotherapist has not specified me in mine "out of the common" behaviour and has not arranged improvised a psycho-session.

During conversation the doctor has explained, that "not we the first, not we - the last". It appears, even there is a statistics who asserts, that men concern women with children even better, than to the lonely. The child instal confidence of gravity of its intentions in the potential father, and, besides, provokes occurrence of "a fatherly instinct" which only adheres the man to the woman more strongly. I have believed. And, that the most ridiculous, being the pregnant woman, has found the significant other from whom I live and to this day soul in soul and which loves my child most on light.

I have learnt, that is pregnant, in twenty three years when steps of a career ladder have only just started to loom before my eyes. It is literally in half a year to me promised increase which cardinally would change all my life. The condition was put one: I should work, that is called, "not sparing the stomach".

As it is strange, but here I was rescued by a frank recognition to my immediate superior. It has appeared, that we live all the same in more or less legal society so, the lying-in woman - too the person, and at it is the rights. Nobody can dismiss you that you wait for the child, - unless in a case when the enterprise is liquidated.

The main thing - that after sorts at you has arisen again desire to work because the kind of serenely sleeping kid forces to forget about all on light.

Certainly, I endlessly set to myself questions: whether "enough I am formed to bring up the worthy person? What will I do, if he strongly is ill? Whether there can be I for it a worthy example?" - and so on.

To admit fairly, I and did not manage to overcome this fear up to the end. I all the same am afraid, that I can not give to the kid everything that he deserves. I all the same worry about, whether I can to be for it an example. But I know well one: whatever happens, I in this world not one. My parents, my favourite, my friends - all these people have accepted my child as a part me and have grown fond its all soul so - are ready to divide responsibility for it with me.

Now to my kid three years. In the autumn it will go to a children's garden - and new fears, I know, will take hold of my consciousness. And then there will be a school, institute, maybe, the army, the first love, a marriage, children … Each new stage of his life will frighten of the uncertainty. And each time I will overcome all fears because I am a mum, I - strong and I - CAN.